Hellboy (2019) Half ★

Foreword: I walked out of my screening around the 30 minute mark***

I have been watching at least a movie a week for the past two and a half years. In that time, I have always been able to at least GET THROUGH the length of a film. In that respect only, "Hellboy" is exceptional. I really wanted to like this, but it was clear after an introduction laden with ridiculous exposition, intertwining fairy tales (King Arthur, giants, vampires, evil witches), and TERRIBLY uninspired characters (ahem.... King Arthur, giants, vampires, evil witches), I was going to be out of luck.

What follows is a convoluted story scribbled over a tonal disaster. Eager to be equally funny, dark, mysterious, terrifying, emotional, and original, this "attempt" at a screenplay fails in every respect. I'm so tired of remakes and sequels because of movies like Hellboy. What could have been an incredibly exciting way to retell this story (not to mention the leap in CGI that's been taken since the original '09) fails to bring anything new to the table. It's greatest success may lie in it's addition of one more straw to our cultural camel's back and maybe once the sequel comes out (if that's not been announced yet, I'm sure it's coming soon), we'll all wise-up and steer clear for fear of breaking.